Last Christmas
by Atsureki
Summary: YA, AK, KA. Last Christmas Aya and Yoji did something that effected at least one of them badly. Ken struggles to get them both pass it for the sake of his love. Christmas is coming again and Ken is scared that it's gonna be a rerun of last year.
1. Just A Mistake

Last Christmas

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I'm just borrowing them um unless someone wants to take pity on me and give me the boys as a x-mas gift? No? *sighs* Didn't think so… 

Warnings : OCC, shonen-ai, angst, christmas-stuff.

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts.

This fic is inspired by the song Last Christmas by WHAM! and it just popped into my head while I was listening to it. So yes even if it might not look like it now this is a Christmas-fic. I um don't know if they celebrate christmas on chistmas eve or on christmas day in Japan so I went with what is right for me *nods* In Sweden we do it on dec 24, christmas eve, so that's what goes in this fic.

Now please note that the POV in the first two paragraphs might be confusing since I don't out right 'tell' you who the person is. It will however be explained later on if you aren't able to guess. 

Oh and about the pairings… You'll most likely never ever see me even suggesting one of them ever again. But my muse wanted it like this and who am I to go against her now that she's finally back from her vaccation??? Sorry for my babbling now please go read. 

Chapter 1. Just A Mistake

Snow. All his world was covered in a thick layer of white cold snow. His eyes roamed over it and his ears listened to the silent nothing that seemed to have conquered life. The snow hushed everything and the only thing that was added was the soft creaking caused by him shifting his weight back and forth. 

He blinked away a few snowflakes that had gotten caught in his eyelashes and smiled slightly. Winter wasn't his favourite time of year but he could not deny that it was a season of utter beauty. 

With a small sigh he turned around and looked towards the way that would lead him back home. Home? Yeah he thought of it as home although… it was not. That house was a lot of things to him but not really home. 

"Home is where the heart is," he mumbled. If that was true than maybe, just maybe, that house and the people who shared it with him was home after all. Because his heart sure lie there. It lie in the gentle hands that held him at night, that stroke away his fears and insecurities in the darkness. 

He smiled again and started walking, followed by the creaking of the snow as it yielded underneath his boot-clad feet. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Slowly he shook the snow off of his coat and entered the house. It was quiet and dark in there but he didn't mind. The others were still asleep and wouldn't get up for a few more hours. Quietly he moved upstairs and stopped in the doorway to his room. 

On his bed was his friend and lover, fast asleep unaware off that he had left hours ago. He watched the beautiful creature for a moment amazed by how perfect a human being could be. His eyes saw the rising and falling of a strong chest, the movement underneath eyelids that gave away that his lover was dreaming. 

He undressed and carefully slipped into the bed next to the warm body that brought him such happiness at times in his life when he thought he'd never find any. Like always his presence alerted his lover and the eyes that had been closed opened a little.

"You're cold." It was just a sleepy hushed murmur.

"I went for a walk," he explained softly and moved closer. His lover reached out to him and pulled him against his body, lending him some warmth.

"So it's snowing then." It wasn't a question, just a statement that explained why he had left. He usually went outside when it snowed to watch the white flakes fall.

"Hai." He didn't need to say anything more, his lover understood. Almost purring he cuddled up to the warmth and closed his eyes. The soft thumping of a heart in his ear and the familier smell of his lover's skin in his nose. Yes this was his home. It wasn't so much the house as the person he was resting against that made it home. 

There had been a time, almost exactly a year ago, when the house had been hell to him but it had changed. His lover had changed it and he probably still didn't understand how thankful he was for it. Content he allowed sleep to claim him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The shop was crowded and he didn't like it at all. All those annoying girls that ogled them like they were animals at a Zoo. Christmas was just around the corner so the mass of female bodies were larger than usual. With a snarling grunt he finished another arrangement and put it away to move on to the next. 

A hand caressed his back and he frowned deeply. It was't unusual that one or several of the girls touched them but that didn't mean he had to accept or like it. Angry he swirled around and came face to face with his lover. A smile snuck onto his lips and he recieved a tiny wink clearly telling him to hang in there. He nodded a little and turned back to the flowers.

"IF YOU'RE NOT BUYING ANYTHING GET OUT!" How he had waited to hear those blessed words! Half the crowd chose to ignore them but at least the girls lessened in numbers. 

"That's not going to work for much longer," a voice said in his ear and he startled. A pair of green eyes peeked at him from behind a pair of shades.

"Perhaps not," he shrugged. It really didn't matter as long as it worked right now. 

"Sooo tell me… What do you want for christmas?" The silky tone made him raise an eyebrow and tilt his head slightly.

"For christmas?" he asked slowly. The blonde nodded and picked up one of the red roses he had been working with.

"Don't you have work to do?" 

"Aya please… When did you ever see me actually work in this place?" Aya scowled and shook his head.

"Then at least go somewhere else and not work instead of standing here and interrupt those of us who actually do work!" the redhead snapped and sent the playboy a frosty glare.

"You are so not any fun Fujimiya! Sometimes I wonder how you could feel…" Yoji's voice trailed off when he saw the pleading look he got from brown eyes. "Yes Sir! I'm going over there to not work." The blonde strolled to the other side of the shop instead.

"Aya."

"Hm."

"Why do you always have to… pick on him?" A thin eyebrow rose slightly.

"Pick on him?" 

"It's been a year you know… Isn't it time to forgive or at least forget?" The redhead glanced over to where Yoji was. He observed the amethyst eyes and saw a flash of pain and something else in them. What that something else was he wasn't sure of though but he could have bet his life on that it was… longing? He swallowed and bit his lip. 

"Ken I can't." Aya said softly and moved a little closer. A quick glance around the shop told him that they were alone, the girls had disappeared and Yoji must have left suddenly or maybe they had just been standing there longer than he thought?

"Why didn't you tell him how you felt?" The redhead stiffened at the question and the familier mask slipped back over his pale face. Ken felt his heart ache. Maybe his fears were justified? Maybe Aya still… No, he couldn't afford to think like that, not when he was so happy. 

Besides, it was acient history and it had just happened once. One little 'accident' and a whole lot of heartache for a man too silent and introverted to admit how he felt inside.

"Because it wouldn't have made any diffrence." The answer came so quietly that Ken almost missed it completely. "It was a mistake that never should have happened and it wouldn't have if…"

"If he hadn't been drunk off his ass?" Ken suggested. The pain came back into Aya's eyes but he nodded. "Are you sure about that?" The redhead gave him a confused look.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Ken didn't want to say it but it had been on his mind several times.

"Maybe last christmas eve meant more to Yoji than you think," he almost whispered. Aya let out a hard chuckle and shook his head.

"I was there Ken, it meant nothing to him… I should have stopped him though, I should have…" The redhead's voice trailed off. Slowly Ken reached out for the taller man and pulled him close, an action only he could get away with. Aya allowed it to happen and leaned against the brunette's solid body. 

__

Do you love him Aya? Ken asked in his head. _Would you let him hold you like this if he tried?_ Those two questions often ran through his mind and they were always followed by a third one, a question he really feared the answer to. _Do you love me?_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Ken allowed the hot water to relax him until it felt like he had no bones left in his body. But no matter how relaxed his body felt his mind was nowhere even close to it. It was filled with questions and fears about Aya, or even more so about Aya's feelings. The stoic redhead with his pale face and complicated nature. 

Ken sighed deeply and turned off the water. Aya had opened up to him and he didn't doubt for a moment that the redhead had deep feelings for him but was it love? He wanted to be sure but he wasn't. Even if the redhead had said that he loved him it was just words and words could mean everything or nothing at all. 

__

Now I'm being unfair, the brunette muttered inside. Aya had never lied to him as far as he knew and did he really have a reason to lie about that? Their relationship had started slowly and then transformed into something Ken had only dreamt about. 

He had loved Aya for so long but he had never thought he would actually have a chance of ever having the redhead. Someone had once told him that if something seemed too good to be true it usually was and that bothered the brunette so much. 

__

Oh stop it! he growled to himself and stepped out of the shower. Was it so strange that Aya had problems with being around Yoji? Was it really so strange that it still hurt the redhead? Ken knew it wasn't, he would have felt the same way. 

Aya had given himself to the blonde, allowed himself to be submissive, something that didn't come easy to him, and Yoji hadn't thought twice about his actions nor about the consequences. It had been Aya's first time and it wasn't suppose to be like that, that was something Ken knew for sure. 

The first time should be special, not something that you rushed into and it most certainly shouldn't be something you regretted for the rest of your life. His hadn't been like that. He had given his virginity to Aya and he would never regret that, no matter what the future might hold for their relationship. Ken sighed and left the bathroom. 

To most people the callous redhead seemed strong and unfazed but he knew better. It was not a coldhearted man who clinged to him during the nights, who so lovingly touched him where no one had ever touched him before. Aya was gentle, warm and soft no matter how cold and hard he might seem at other times. 

That was what he clinged to when he doubted the redhead's feelings for him. It made him feel better that he at least had been given something that no one else had ever gotten from Aya. That man had given him his soul, if not his heart, he had showed Ken the other sides of Aya, or was it perhaps that he had showed him Ran? It didn't really matter to him. 

He walked into his room and smiled when he found the silent red haired assassin there. With a swift kick he closed the door behind him. Aya came up to him and wrapped his arms around the brunette's body. Ken leaned into the embraced and sighed. 

His birthday was coming up along with christmas and he dreaded it. A part of him feared that it would be a re-run of last year. What if Yoji had decided that he wanted Aya after all? What if Aya had decided that he wanted Yoji instead of him? 

The brunette pushed away the thoughts as soft lips claimed his. No, the redhead was his, he had to be. If Yoji wanted him than Ken would fight, damnit! He would not allow Aya to be hurt like that ever again and he most certainly wouldn't let him go easily.

"I love you," he murmured into his lover's mouth. The redhead smiled into the kiss and Ken's heart fluttered.

"Love you too koi." He really wished he could convince himself to believe those words but he couldn't. They broke apart and Ken kept his eyes away from the redhead's. _Last christmas you gave Yoji your heart Aya… Did you get it back? Would you give it to him again if he asked for it?_

He felt so low for doubting the redhead but he couldn't help himself. In a week christmas eve would come around again and then he'd know if Aya was his or if the man he loved still had a weakness for the confident playboy who so easily had taken and given away his heart.

~TBC~

I really tried to avoide angst but the nature of the song and the nature of me sorta made that impossible *rolls eyes* 

Now most people who know me know that I really don't like Yoji/Aya but this is what my muse gave me so I have to allow it. *chuckles a little* And shame on Yoji for just taking Aya like that *mutters* 

I know Aya is OOC and I really don't care this is for the greater good um okay so it's for my selfish writing-muse but hey… Besides, it got a little boring that Aya is seme all the time. Our frosty redhead won't die from being a little uke right? 

Don't think there'll be too many more chapters, one or two at the most. Need to have this wrapped up before X-mas after all *G* Lemme know what you think ne… Ja/Atsureki


	2. Once Bitten, Twice Shy?

Last Christmas

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I'm just borrowing them um unless someone wants to take pity on me and give me the boys as a x-mas gift? No? *sighs* Didn't think so… 

Warnings : OCC, shonen-ai, angst, christmas-stuff, possible overusing of the word ogle O.o

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts.

Pairings : Yoji/Aya, Aya/Ken, Ken/Aya 

2. Once Bitten, Twice Shy?

There was definitely something between Aya and Yoji the brunette sadly realized the day before his birthday. He wasn't sure what it was but he didn't like it one bit. Yoji was eyeing the redhead more and more often and the look in his green eyes was disturbing to say the least. 

Ken sighed deeply and lowered his face so that he would be spared the sight of seeing his lover being ogled. Two days left until christmas eve and it didn't look good for him. 

Yoji wasn't the only one looking, Aya was doing it too only he took more care in hiding the reason why. So far Ken hadn't been able to catch a clue to what the look in those amethyst eyes was but he feared it. 

"Ken-kun?" He looked up and forced a smile on his face.

"Hai Omi?"

"You okay? You've been staring at Yoji for the last 20 minutes," his youngest friend mumbled and glanced over to the other blonde who was again ogling Aya's back or rather his butt.

"I just… It's nothing, I'm fine." Omi frowned a little and shook his head.

"I wouldn't worry about 'that' if I was you Ken-kun."

"Worry about what?"

"Yotan and Aya-kun. You know what they say… Once bitten, twice shy. Aya-kun's not going to fall into that trap again. He loves you Ken-kun," Omi said softly and patted his friend on the shoulder.

"Does he?" The bitter question slipped out before Ken could stop himself. Blue eyes narrowed and glared slightly at him.

"You doubt the way he feels about you?" The brunette let out a dry chuckle and gestured towards his lover and the blonde who were staring at each other.

"You tell me that I have no reason what so ever to fear that he won't go back to Yoji and I'll stop doubting! Look at them! There's obviously something between them Omi," Ken hissed and walked away. He had to get out of there fast before he started crying.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

It was almost midnight when Ken left his room to search for his missing lover. Aya's room was empty so he headed downstairs. He silently walked into the kitchen where he froze. _I should have stayed in bed,_ he sighed. Yoji had Aya pressed up against the counter, effectivly trapping the slightly shorter man with his body and with one arm on each side of the redhead.

"Aya, why are you fighting this?" the playboy almost purred with his face barely an inch away from Aya's.

"Let me go Kudou!" the redhead hissed but there was no force in his voice, actually his words were trembling. Ken swallowed and desperately wanted to leave but his body was numb.

"I would if I believe you really wanted me to let you go… You're shivering Aya," Yoji mumbled with a silky tone in his voice. "You act like you hate my guts but I know better baby. I've seen the way you look at me in the shop. I know you haven't forgotten last christmas just as I haven't… Stop fighting it Ayan, we're so good together." 

"No, I…" 

"Look me in the eye and tell me you didn't enjoy it, that it didn't feel good." Aya didn't answer but the brunette saw how his lover's body trembled. "You did like it, didn't you?" the lanky blonde asked softly and pressed the issue by slowly licking the pale skin on the redhead's exposed neck. His reward was a soft moan and the answer Ken prayed he wouldn't hear.

"Yesss." If anyone would have been paying attention to the brunette and listened carefully they would probably have heard Ken's heart break. Even in the dark he could see the triumphant smirk on Yoji's face. 

"Well then, stop fighting koi… I want you, you want me. You know I can give you something that Ken can't." The tall blonde leaned forward and captured Aya's lips. Ken let out a choked sob, spun around and fled. 

He had lost Aya. Sure he had sworn that he would fight for the redhead but what was the point? It was painfully obvious that Aya wanted Yoji so who was he to stand in the way. With tears streaming down his cheek the brunette dove into his room and locked the door behind him. He slid down against the wall and hid his face in his hands.

"He's just fooling you again Aya, can't you see?" Ken sobbed. 

Why had he lost? A grim thought came to him. He had lost because he wasn't good in bed, was that it? Okay so he didn't have the experience that Yoji had but then who the hell did? The lanky blonde probably had more partners in a week than half the population of Tokyo had in their entire lifetimes put together. 

Ken shook his head and blinked away a few tears. No Aya wasn't that shallow, but he obviously still had feelings for Yoji and that was something Ken couldn't compete with. Love takes two and if Aya didn't want their love than he would simply have to step away, no matter how much it pained him. 

The brunette pushed himself away from the wall and crawled across the floor to his bed. A sound made him turn around just as he started to drag himself up on the bed. Someone was trying to open the door? When it was found locked he heard a knock.

"Ken?" Aya's hushed slightly shaky voice reached Ken but he didn't answer or move. "Ken?" It was a little louder the second time but the brunette still didn't attempt to answer, at least not out loud. 

__

I'm not going to let you in Aya. I don't want you in here telling me that it's over and then watch you go to Yoji. He crawled onto the bed and pressed a pillow over his head to block out Aya's voice and his quiet knocking on the door.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

He felt so lost as he stood outside and watched the snow fall. Winter might be beautiful but he seriously hated christmas. It had brought him nothing but pain. Solemly he stared at the lights that cheerfully lit up the dark night. Christmas trees decorated with more lights, Santas with broad smiles on their plastic faces. 

How he hated it all. Merry Christmas? Not to him. His heart was aching and his mind was confused. He felt so many things but it wasn't those things that confused him. He knew what he wanted, what he needed but… but what? 

He should get back to bed but he didn't want to lie there all alone in the dark. It was so cold there without Him. A single tear slowly made it down his cheek. He was so weak and all he wanted was those strong familier arms wrapped around him, the smell of his lover in his nose and the soft beating of another's heart in his ear. But he wouldn't have that now, would he? 

Sad eyes glanced back to the house he had left earlier, or rather escaped from. _Home is where the heart is,_ he sighed inside. But where was his heart now? His heart had been rejected, hadn't it? Another tear fell. 

The snow started falling more intensly but he didn't notice. It was cold outside but not nearly as cold as he was inside. Slowly he turned around and walked back into the house and upstairs. He stopped infront of the door that hid his lover from his eyes. His lover? The man who he was losing, who didn't wanted him anymore.

"I love you," he mumbled and headed for his own room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Ken avoided Aya the best he could the following morning but it wasn't easy. The redhead was everywhere and he could see that the taller man wanted to talk to him. But Ken didn't want to hear it, didn't want to face reality just yet. It was snowing again and Tokyo was now covered in a thick, cold layer of white. 

He sighed deeply and turned to another girl who didn't really wanted to buy anything but would simply because of the four men who sold the flowers. In the corner of his eye he saw Yoji smiling at Aya and quickly concentrated on the girl infront of him instead. 

The blonde and the redhead were standing way too close for him to like it. Yoji whispered something in Aya's ear and the red haired assassin blushed before he stomped into the backroom.

"Look Ken-kun we're under the mistletoe!" The high-pitched voice made him jump and glance up. So they were. He groaned and quickly pecked the girl's cheek before he hurried back behind the desk where he was safe or at least safer. 

"Ladies you have to excuse Kenken here he's a little shy," Yoji drawled and lit a smoke. "I however am not shy at all." The brunette narrowed his eyes in anger. Trust Yoji to whore himself out in the middle of a shop. Couldn't he be satisfied with having Aya? Ken huffed and left without looking back.

"Fuck this!"

~TBC~

Oh dear what's Aya doing? Yoji needs to back off he's ruining everything!!!!! 

Jin, you wanted to know what Yoji thinks about all this ne? You will *promises* You'll find out in the next chapter which I'm pretty sure will be the last one. 

You still haven't really had Aya's POV of this and you'll get that in the next chappy too. I think this is close to being wrapped up. And also, next time it'll be x-mas!!! *hums x-mas songs loudly* Ja/Atsureki


	3. Merry Christmas

Last Christmas

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I'm just borrowing them um unless someone wants to take pity on me and give me the boys as a x-mas gift? No? *sighs* Didn't think so… Oh and the song Last Christmas by WHAM! ain't mine either. *pouts* Darnit don't I own anything? Um wait… don't answer that one thanks…

Warnings : OCC, shonen-ai, angst, christmas-stuff, LONG chapter.

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts.

Pairings : Yoji/Aya, Ken/Aya, Aya/Ken

A huge thanks to **fei** who helped me with this chapter *hugs her* I had two diffrent chapters written and didn't know which one I should post. Thanks to her you got the better one *L* She also took the time to help me with my horrible spelling and grama *shudders* It sucks to be Swedish sometimes! Thanks fei you're the best and you always take time to help me!!! *give ya a big warm and fuzzy X-mas hug*

Chapter 3. Merry Christmas

"Ken we need to talk." He ignored Aya and continued decorating the tree with Omi. "Ken!" He had managed to avoid the redhead so far but now after the shop had closed it seemed like he couldn't any longer. With a sigh the brunette turned around.

"What?" Ken snapped. 

"We need to talk," Aya mumbled and seemed to have a problem with looking into the brunette's eyes.

"There's nothing to talk about Aya. We both know it's over, that you don't want me so just let it be." The redhead stared at him with confusion and hurt in his amethyst eyes before he swirled around and almost ran out of the room.

"Ken-kun…" Ken raised his hand to stop whatever it was Omi was about to say.

"I don't want to talk about it." He went back to the tree and fought against the tears.

"Well then I'll talk and you listen!" Omi growled and turned him around. "You're not being fair to Aya-kun."

"What?! You don't know what you're talking about," the brunette muttered and pulled his arm free.

"Perhaps not but then Ken neither do you." The brunette glared at his friend not quite understanding what he was talking about.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Omi frowned and shook his head.

"I saw too."

"Saw what?"

"Yoji-kun and Aya-kun, in the kitchen, last night," the little blonde answered and glanced over his shoulder as if to make sure neither one of their team-mates were around.

"Then how the hell can you say that I'm not being fair?!" Ken spat out and gritted his teeth. 

"Because you took what you saw and concluded what it was without knowing how it ended!" Omi said sharply. "I thought you loved Aya-kun, that you trusted him." There was accusation in his voice and his words hit the guilt in Ken's heart. The blonde was right, sort of, but he didn't want to hear it.

"Trust him? He had another man's tongue shoved down his throat and he wasn't exactly struggling to get away!" the brunette hissed and almost crushed the glass ball he held in his hand. "If you haven't noticed Aya has feelings for Yoji, he wants him! Do you get that Omi? He wants Yoji, not me!" 

"Sometimes you're so stupid Ken-kun," the little blonde sighed. "If he wants Yoji-kun then why is he chasing after you? He's been trying to talk to you all day."

"Yeah to tell me that it's over and that he realized that he wants Yoji instead. I just saved him the trouble!" 

"KEN!" The brunette jumped at the hard angry tone in Omi's raised voice. "Jesus Christ you are slow! Did you see how his face looked when you said it was over? Did he look like it was what he wanted?" The blonde paused for a moment and took a few deep breaths. "Ken you can't just throw away everything you have just because you're scared. Why didn't you talk to Aya-kun instead, ask him to explain?" 

"There's nothing to explain though, is there? I saw his face when Yoji came on to him Omi," Ken mumbled feeling completely deflated. "I heard how he moaned when… when…"

"But you didn't see or hear what happened after that," his friend persisted. "Please talk to him Ken-kun or you'll regret it." The brunette swallowed.

"I… There's no point Omi," Ken almost whispered. "I've lost him." The short blonde sighed and shook his head sadly.

"No Ken you didn't lose him, you shut him out." Omi gave him a mournful look before he left the brunette alone. Ken closed his eyes and allowed the tears to fall. He didn't want to believe or listen to what Omi had said but somehow, somewhere inside, he knew that the little blonde was right. Numbly he hung the last red ball on the tree and wiped away the tears.

"Merry Fucking Christmas…" the brunette half sobbed, half whimpered.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Ken stared into the darkness of his room. It was so empty there without Aya. Omi's words were still echoing inside his head and nothing he did managed to block them out. He sighed deeply and leaned back against the pillows. 

What a way to spend his birthday. The brunette shook his head and played with the hem of his shirt. They hadn't celebrated it but then Ken hadn't wanted to either. Besides, what was there to celebrate? Because he was stupid, insecure and afraid he had lost Aya and he didn't know what to do about it. If there was anything he could do? He wanted to fight, to find out what it was the redhead wanted but he didn't know how.

If Omi was right and Aya hadn't gone to Yoji, if what he had seen in the kitchen hadn't been what it looked like then… then even so his stupidity hadn't just begun now. Ken closed his eyes and sighed deeply. He hadn't trusted Aya before either, not entirely. There had always been a nagging part of his mind that claimed that if the redhead got the chance he'd go to Yoji.

Even if that wasn't true he had certainly pushed Aya in the blonde's direction, hadn't he? What reason did his lover, former lover, have to fight Yoji off now? If what was between the two oldest team-members was nothing but sexual attraction then Ken had made the biggest mistake of his life earlier.

He knew Yoji would take advantage of the situation. That man was extremely good at getting what, or rather who, he wanted. There wasn't a single doubt in Ken's body that the lanky playboy would get Aya if he went after him. Not an appealing conclusion at all. 

He should have known better, he should have handled the situation differently but when it came to Aya he couldn't think properly. The redhead meant so much to Ken and the fear of losing him just hurt too much. And thanks to that fear he had lost Aya. It was going to be a sad excuse of a christmas…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Christmas eve came no matter how hard Ken tried to make it go away. The house screamed christmas but the only one who seemed cheerful was the lanky blonde. Yoji strolled around the house humming christmas songs to himself, unless he was making his moves on Aya. Ken watched them sadly. He did nothing about it though, didn't feel like he had a right to. 

In an uncomfortable silence they ate christmas dinner. No one talked, no one smiled, except Yoji. In the evening the four young men gathered in the living-room and the air surrounding them was tense and uncomfortable. Ken glanced at the redhead who was staring at the christmas tree. This was killing him inside. He had never felt so far away from Aya even though they were sitting on the same couch. 

The room felt crowded and at least three of them seemed tired. After about an hour Omi had had enough and headed upstairs to wrap one final christmas present, Ken was quick to follow since he didn't want to be alone with Aya and Yoji. 

In his room he took out the presents he had bought for his friends. His gift to Aya had of course been the first one he had bought and he had been so happy, so excited to give it to the redhead but not anymore. It wasn't a present for a friend, it was for a lover and Aya was not his lover anymore. 

"I need you Aya… What am I suppose to do?" the brunette asked the empty room and pushed back the tears. Miserable he went back downstairs to get through the last part of christmas eve. 

He stopped in the doorway to the living-room and for the second time in just barely 3 days he wished he had stayed in his room. The scene was much like the one he had seen in the kitchen only this time Yoji had Aya pressed up against the wall.

"Merry Christmas Ayan," the blonde said softly and caressed the other man's pale face.

"Yoji, please." Ken frowned slightly. Aya's voice sounded so lost and sad.

"Please what baby?" Yoji smiled and gently brushed his lips across the redhead's.

"Don't." A flicker of annoyance played in green eyes.

"I don't understand why you insist on fighting me. Is it because you came so willingly the last time?" Aya failed to answer and the brunette sighed. It was torture to watch so why couldn't he convince himself to walk away? "Or is it perhaps because of Ken?" Ken winced when he heard his name.

"I…" 

"You know Aya, he can't give you what you need… It's not in his nature." Brown eyes narrowed in anger. What the hell was that suppose to mean?

"What do you know about what I need or what Ken gives me for that matter?" Aya asked rather harshly and his amethyst eyes grew cold.

"Oh please… I know you Aya and I know that you need to be stripped of the control you so tightly cling to. You need someone who can make you feel helpless… Only I can give that to you. Ken is way too submissive and weak…" Ken turned around to leave but then he heard Omi's words in his head. Reluctantly the brunette faced the blonde and the redhead again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

"I'm right aren't I?" Yoji asked and nudged the redhead's legs apart to step between them. 

"You couldn't be more wrong!" Aya snapped and squirmed away. His eyes large and angry. "You don't know anything about my relationship with Ken!" Why had he ever allowed Yoji so close at all? He wasn't sure but this had to be settled.

"Don't I?" the blonde questioned and smirked. "Aya what you have or had with Ken might be sweet and tender but it's not what you need." The redhead clenched his jaws together.

"You have no idea what I need!" he growled and shoved the blonde man away from him.

"Oh but I do Aya, I do," Yoji purred and leaned closer.

"And what is it that you know that I need then?" Aya asked coldly.

"Me," Yoji said simply and again trapped him against the wall claiming his lips. The weakness was still there but this time he could fight it. His body didn't turn into mush, his brain didn't shut down, this was not what he wanted.

"Stop it! What the hell makes you think I need you?" Green eyes looked slightly shocked at the angry question.

"Because you need someone who can dominate you, someone who'll take you even though you might claim you don't want that." 

"No Yoji that's not what I need nor what I want."

"Isn't it? You sure seemed to need and want it last christmas," the blonde smirked and captured Aya's lips again. The redhead pushed him away and narrowed his eyes in anger.

"Stop it!"

"Why? You said you liked it yourself."

"So? That doesn't really mean anything!"

"Doesn't it? Can Ken make you feel like that hm? I'm willing to bet that he can't Ayan… Ken is kind, sweet and caring yes, but when it comes to this he can't give you what you need," Yoji drawled softly and caressed the redhead's face.

"How would you know?"

"He's too innocent Aya, too weak to be in charge."

"Damnit Kudou! Is everything about sex with you?!" Aya spat out and shoved the blonde away harshly. "What I have with Ken isn't about sex you idiot!"

"Isn't it? So you take care of him, you cradle him in your arms, comfort him when he's sad or upset? That's not what you need Aya. You need someone who can take control of you," Yoji said and the redhead let out a cold laugh.

"You just don't get it do you?! Why do you assume that I'm the one who holds Ken up?" His question seemed to confuse the tall blonde.

"Because you're so much stronger than him."

"Am I? I'm the one who needs to be protected and held Yoji. When you tossed me aside last year he picked up the pieces, not because he wanted something from me but because he loved me. He never allowed me to hide my emotions or said that it would go away if I just stopped dwelling on it. He understood and he loved me enough to see what it was I needed. Ken is so much stronger than you think and now I might have lost him because I'm weak, because some idiotic part of my body is attracted to you!" Yoji blinked and took a step back.

"You're wrong Aya. You are strong… I've see the way you handle problems, missions, everything!"

"No Yoji, you've seen the mask I use. I break down after missions too, I have nightmares just like everybody else and things hurt me too, I just don't show it. You don't either Yoji so you should have known but you never took the time to look. Ken takes the time and not just when it comes to me. He's always going to be there for us no matter what we do, he's always going to try his hardest to help us even though neither one of us deserves it anymore. The only one Ken allows to be hurt, used and taken for granted is himself. I was supposed to keep that from happening and I failed so badly. Hell I didn't just fail to keep those things from happening to him, I fucking did them to him myself!" The lanky blonde stared at him in shock. Aya ran a shaky hand through his crimson hair and closed his eyes for a moment. He was such a failure.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Yoji stared at the normally so cold and callous redhead. He didn't understand this at all. Aya had never talked to him like that before and he most certainly had never admitted to having weaknesses, flaws. How the hell could he have missed all of this?

"Then why did you come to me last christmas?" he almost whispered.

"Because I thought you wanted me Yoji. Not Aya the assassin, not Abyssinian, but Ran. It was never about sex," Aya sighed sadly. Yoji looked into his eyes and all the emotions in them seemed unreal. This was Aya the Icicle who never allowed anyone to see what he felt and still there he stood now with his feelings written all over his pale face.

"But I…" Yoji stuttered completely shocked.

"Don't you get it? It was never about being submissive! It was about me showing you that I trusted you, something you obviously failed to understand. That's what Ken gives me Yoji, that's what I give him." Aya closed his eyes for a moment.

"How can you say that you trust him when you won't let him…" Amethyst eyes opened again.

"When I won't let him what?"

"Well… when you won't let him…" Yoji was fumbling around in the dark now without a clue to what the hell was going on. It wasn't suppose to be like this.

"I love Ken. In our relationship we're equals Yoji. What makes you think that it's all about who's in charge? I do let him…"

"You…"

"Yes! I give myself to him just like I once did to you! But unlike you Ken never takes without giving. You have no idea of what kind of person Ken really is and you most likely never will." 

"But I thought…"

"Well you thought wrong!" Aya snapped and narrowed his eyes. "I don't need you, I don't want you, do you get that?! Last christmas was a mistake Yoji, it should never have happened but it did and thanks to that I found that one person who made me feel things I didn't even know I could feel. If I've lost him completely I don't know what I'll do." 

The sad and lost tone in the redhead's deep smooth voice caused Yoji to blink. The redhead before him with tears rolling down his cheeks was not Fujimiya Aya, Abyssinian, assassin and cold bastard, it was Fujimiya Ran a man just like any other man, with fears, insecurities, feelings and needs. 

Yoji swallowed and closed his eyes. In his eager to claim Aya as his own, to have him he had forgotten that the redhead wasn't a toy, a trophy, but a human being that couldn't be owned. He had never meant for that to happen though because… because he did love Aya. Last christmas had meant so much to him but he had handled it all wrong. Too many years behind his playboy-mask had ruined his chances. 

He should have focused on what he could give the redhead instead of what he could get from him. In his mind he could still see Aya's eyes and the fire that had burned in his heart that night a year ago. Then it had been burning for him but not now because he had torn the redhead apart by not understanding, by not being strong enough to be himself. 

Aya had thought that he was someone to rely on but he had been anything but that. The redhead had given him his heart and he had simply tossed it aside because he didn't think he wanted or needed it, but he did. Yoji ran a shaky hand through his blonde hair. How could he have been so foolish? 

And when he had seen what Ken and Aya had together he had been so jealous. He wanted that too but had no idea of how to get it so without thinking he had used the sexual attraction between himself and Aya to his advantage. In his head it had made perfect sense since he had been so sure that he had what the redhead needed but he had been wrong.

"I'm sorry," the blonde mumbled.

"Sorry won't make this alright. You used me Yoji, you took something from me that you can't give back," Aya said quietly. "And I let you." The redhead walked out of the living-room and Yoji did nothing to stop him. _You were right in giving your heart to Ken,_ he thought and sank down on the couch. _I pray that I haven't ruined things for the two of you._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Ken quickly removed himself from the doorway when Aya turned around to leave. His heart was pounding like a drum and he just had to get out of there. As fast as he could the brunette grabbed his jacket, shoved his feet into his boots and ran out the door. The air was crisp and the starlit sky stretched out like a ceiling above him. 

Aya's words rang in his ears and they made him feel so lost. He should have trusted the redhead, he should have been able to tell how he really felt. It was after all he, not Yoji, not Omi, who had seen the man behind the frosty mask Aya always wore. That complicated man had exposed himself to Ken and he had done it willingly, but why? 

Ken couldn't figure it out but he had a feeling that the answer was simpler than he thought. Could it be that Aya had opened up just because he never had demanded him to? Or was it because… The brunette bit his lip. Or was it because the redhead trusted him? 

Besides that there was another thing that really pained Ken. Aya had said that he was supposed to keep the brunette from being hurt, used and taken for granted but that he had failed. That wasn't true. The one that had failed wasn't the redhead, it was Ken himself. He had failed to trust, to have faith in Aya's love. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

"He saw and heard everything," a soft voice said and Aya snapped his head to the left. Omi was standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"He… Everything?" The little blonde nodded and tilted his head slightly.

"Ken-kun saw and heard you and Yoji-kun in the kitchen too." Aya closed his eyes and damned himself. Why did he have to be so weak?

"Then there's nothing I can do," he said more to himself than to Omi.

"I think you two have spent too much time together," younger assassin muttered and glared a little at the redhead.

"You two who?"

"You and Ken-kun, you're starting to act the same way. Both so willing to just give up, so sure that this can't be fixed," Omi said and shook his head. "Go talk to him! Make him listen!" The small blonde walked pass Aya and headed for the living-room.

"But I don't know where he is."

"I just said that you two act the same way, didn't I?" The redhead nodded but he didn't understand what Omi was getting at now. "Look outside Aya-kun, it's snowing." 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

The pale moon's light reflected off the white cover on the ground and the flakes that fell glistened. Slowly Aya walked down the sidewalk in search of Ken. The air was crisp and he needed it to clear his head. For so long his mind had been fighting with itself but not anymore. 

He had been blind when it came to Yoji and he didn't exactly know why. Perhaps it was just the simple fact that he was, or rather had been, attracted to the blonde. It didn't matter anymore, actually it had never mattered at all except exactly a year ago. 

Happy people walked pass him and wished him a Merry Christmas. He didn't say it back because it would not be merry until he could mend the damage he had done. Silently he turned left and finally found what he was looking for. 

A perfect creature was standing about 25 meters away from him, looking up at the falling snow. Tears sparkled on his cheeks and his posture was defeated. Carefully he approached the man, not sure of what to say. Before he could come up with anything, sad eyes turned to meet his.

"I… it's snowing." Aya nodded and glanced up into the falling snow. 

"I'm sorry." Ken met his eyes and sighed.

"I'm sorry too Aya. I shouldn't have… I didn't mean to…" A pale hand rose and stopped the brunette's stammering.

"No Ken. I should have explained to you what I was going through instead of just hiding it. And I should have been able to show you, tell you, how I feel about you, what you mean to me," the redhead said softly. "I betrayed your trust Ken and I'm so sorry for that."

"I… I didn't trust you." It was barely a whisper but Aya heard it.

"You didn't have any reason to trust me though. I haven't given you any," he said sadly and closed his eyes for a moment.

"That's not true!" Ken objected loudly and stepped a little closer. "You said that you should have told me about this well I should have told you too… I should have told you that I was scared, that I didn't know if I dared to believe in you, that I thought… thought you would go back to Yoji the second he asked you to."

"Do you know why I always go outside to watch when it snows?" Ken gave him a confused look.

"Um no…"

"Snowflakes are cold, you can't hold them because they'll just melt away but they still look pretty and they're never alone. You never see just one snowflake."

"I don't understand Aya?" the brunette admitted and got a small sad smile from Aya.

"I used to feel like a snowflake Ken. So cold, so impossible for anyone to hold. I was afraid that if I'd let anyone try I'd disappear. But unlike the snow I was always alone. Just one lonely cold creature waiting to melt away." The redhead looked at the slightly shorter man in front of him and sighed. "But… it all changed. Someone changed it, showed me that I didn't need to be afraid. He gave me what I needed even though I didn't know I needed it back then and he showed me that I could be held and that I could hold someone."

"Yoji…" 

"No, not Yoji. It was you Ken. Yoji showed me things too, he showed me what I didn't need, what I didn't want and even more so he taught me that we all make mistakes. But although I regret how that happened I don't regret that it did happened Ken." Aya kept his voice quiet and it was soft since he was fighting against the tears.

"You don't regret sleeping with him?!" Ken asked with a sharp and hurt tone in his voice.

"Not really. Do you remember what happened that night?" The brunette seemed to be thinking for a moment before he answered.

"I found you outside, without any coat on, you're lips were turning blue and you… you were crying. I didn't know what to do, how to help you. It was scary seeing you like that because…"

"I always seemed so strong," Aya filled in and smiled a little. "You never asked me what happened, you never pressured me to do anything. Instead you lead me back inside, wrapped me in a blanket and laid me down on the couch."

"You couldn't sleep and I… I remembered what my mother used to do when I couldn't sleep when I was little," Ken mumbled. His eyes were distant and he sounded like he was far far away. "I sat beside you the whole night, rubbing your back, humming songs until I got hoarse but by then you had fallen asleep."

"When I woke up you were lying all over me, draped over my side like another blanket, protecting me. It was then and there that I understood what I needed and wanted," Aya continued when Ken's voice trailed off. "I wanted and needed someone who I could give my heart to without having to fear that it would be mistreated or tossed aside, someone who would love me no matter what I was, someone who needed me too." Brown eyes stared at him.

"But I…" Aya raised his hand so that he could finish.

"Right then I didn't know that that someone was you, I only knew that I was looking for someone like you but… You took care of me Ken even though you didn't have to, you allowed me to be weak, you allowed me to be lost, to find my own way. I didn't fall in love with you because you helped me Ken, I fell in love with you because you are you and because with you I don't have to be anyone else but me. You've never tried to change me, you just accepted me the way I was."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Ken stared at the redhead in wonder. The things Aya were saying made him see everything in a new light. He had never understood how the redhead felt before even though he had heard so many 'I love you's'. Guilt burned inside of him because of that. He should have paid more attention to what was between the lines when Aya had spoken to him.

"I didn't… understand," the brunette almost whispered.

"And I didn't try to explain," Aya replyed softly. "I should have though. I don't want this to be the end Ken, I don't want to lose you." Ken swallowed and shuddered.

"I don't want that either," he mumbled and took another step towards the redhead.

"Do you know how it feels?" Ken gave Aya a confused look not quite sure what 'it' was. "When you hold me in your arms, when I'm lying next to you," the redhead continued.

"I… No…" Aya set his amethyst gaze on the falling snow for a moment before he answered.

"It feels right, I feel like I'm home. It's not the house, not my room, not Weiß, it's you Ken. You are my home." Ken blinked. He had never thought he was that important to Aya, that he meant that much. "I love you so much." The redhead met his eyes again and for the first time Ken really, really, looked into them. Those amethyst orbs that could hide anything, or show it all like an open book said everything now. 

"I love you too Aya, more than I can handle sometimes," the brunette said softly, honestly. "It scares me." 

"It scares me too Ken. But no matter how frightening it might be I want to give you my heart, I want you to have it." Ken blinked. It was almost as if Aya knew what he had been feeling, that he wasn't sure that he had the redhead's heart. "You're only getting it and me, I don't have anything else to offer you," Aya whispered and the small tremble in his voice told the brunette how afraid he was.

"Aya I don't want anything else, I could never ask for anything more." He pulled the redhead close to him and buried his frost-nipped face against his coat. Standing there in Aya's arms Ken truly understood what the redhead meant when he said that it was home. 

It was snowing heavily as they hid in each other, drawing warmth and security from their love. The brunette closed his eyes and drew in the spicy smell that was Aya. He had almost lost it all but the redhead had fought for them.

"Home is where the heart is." Ken glanced up at the quiet statement.

"What?" Aya smiled at him, smiled the smile that was reserved only for the brunette.

"Home is where the heart is," the redhead repeated. "My heart is with you, so you are my home." Ken laughed softly and pulled down the taller man's face to his.

"You're a strange man Fujimiya Ran," he murmured and pressed his lips to Aya's cold ones, "but I love you anyways, strange or not." The redhead silenced him by deepening the kiss. Ken's heart pounded when he tasted his lover's mouth again.

"I love you too even though you drag me to soccer-games where I freeze my butt off," Aya mumbled when they broke apart. 

"Admit it you like watching soccer with me!" The redhead rolled his eyes a little but he was smiling. "Hm speaking of freezing butts maybe we should head back home?" Ken asked and snuggled closer.

"Ken…" The brunette looked up and met Aya's eyes. "What's going to happen now?" It was asked so quietly that Ken almost missed it. 

"Now we're going back inside, sit down and warm up, christmas presents will be handed out, kissing and snuggling will take place and then me and you are going to go to bed… together!" Ken said firmly before he wrapped one arm around Aya's slender waist.

"But…"

"No buts. Aya, we both made mistakes and I know we've learnt from them, let's not waste any more time dwelling on them. I don't like myself when you're not there and… it hurts."

"Somewhere in my life I must have done something really good since I found you…" Ken gave the taller redhead a grin and pulled Aya's left arm around his shoulders.

"Actually I was the one who found you, remember? Now let's get you inside, you're lips are all blue."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

A yawn escaped the warm, contented and sleepy redhead. He wanted to go to bed but the truth was that he was enjoying being where he was too much to actually move. Ken yawned too and wrapped his arms tighter around Aya's waist. They were sitting on the couch infront of the christmas tree, or rather Ken was sitting on the couch with Aya on his lap. It probably looked ridiculous but neither of them cared.

Aya yawned again and rested his chin against the brunette's hair. There had been a tense moment when they came back and Ken came face to face with a very subdued Yoji. Those two were not going to get along for a while but Aya knew that his lover wouldn't hold the grudge against the blonde forever, it wasn't his style.

"Bed," Ken suddenly murmured and suffocated a yawn.

"Hn," the redhead grunted almost half asleep.

"Bed." 

"In a mi…" A huge yawn interrupted Aya and made the brunette chuckle. "…nt."

"In a what?"

"Minute," the redhead muttered and nipped at Ken's ear.

"Come on now koi I'm tired and I want to cuddle up with you in bed." Now that was a tempting idea that Aya couldn't object to. Slowly the tall redhead got to his feet and stretched before he pulled his lover up. Together they headed for the stairs.

"It's actually too late but Merry Christmas Ken," Aya suddenly said just as Ken crawled inbetween the sheets. The brunette glanced at the time.

"Better late then never ne? Merry Christmas to you too Aya, now get your butt over here." The redhead chuckled softly and did as he was told. They snuggled up together and Aya put his head on Ken's strong warm chest. Yes this was his home, where he belonged and where he wanted to be. He fell asleep with a small smile on his lips.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Yoji quietly left his room and headed for the kitchen. It had been a strange christmas eve but at least it had ended with less pain than the previous one. The tall blonde shook his head as he poured himself some water. He had some serious apologizing to do to Ken and to Aya but at least his two team-mates were still together, the way they should be.

One day he might find someone he could belong together with the way the redhead and the brunette belonged together, Yoji hoped he would at least. But first he would have to learn who Kudou Yoji really was again. Being a playboy was fun but it was lonely. Maybe that was why he had so desperately tried to win Aya back? Didn't matter, what did matter was that he hadn't succeeded and he was glad he hadn't.

The lanky blonde put away his glass and strolled into the living-room to turn off the lights. On his way over to the tree he saw a velvet box on the table. He recognized it from earlier as Aya's present from Ken. Curious he opened it. 

The brunette's gift to his lover was two necklaces. Each had a round pendant with an engraving on one side. On one of them there was a katana crossed with a flower and entwined in them was the letter R. The other one was the same except that the katana had been replaced with a clawed glove and the letter was a K. 

Smiling Yoji put them down again and headed for the tree. After he had turned the lights off he walked back upstairs but he didn't go into his own room. First he tip-toed over to Aya's and carefully pushed the door ajar. The room was dark but there was some light coming in from the street outside.

His two team-mates were asleep and the way the were lying brought back Aya's words to Yoji. The redhead had said that he was the one who needed to be held. Judging by how Aya was draped over Ken's chest with the brunette's arms tightly wrapped around him that was true. 

Yoji sighed a little and closed the door again. It still hurt to see them so close, it still made him jealous but it was also different from before. He had used to be jealous that Ken had Aya because he was so sure he could have had the redhead. Now he knew better and what he was jealous about was more that they had each other than anything else.

A little sad and feeling sort of lonely the lanky blonde went back to bed. To ease the silence of his room Yoji put on the radio. At least he hadn't ruined things for his two friends and that was the most important thing. He closed his eyes and listened to the christmas song that was playing. The lyrics reminded him of the mess he had created and he smiled a little. 

Whoever the singer was he was right, now that Aya had found a real love he would never be fooled again. Not by anyone, and certainly not by Yoji.

__

Once bitten and twice shy   
I keep my distance   
But you still catch my eye   
Tell me baby   
Do you recognize me?   
Well it's been a year   
It doesn't surprise me   
Merry Christmas, I wrapped it up and sent it   
With a note saying 'I love you' I meant it   
Now I know what a fool I've been   
But if you kissed me now   
I know you'd fool me again   
  
Last Christmas   
I gave you my heart   
But the very next day you gave it away   
This year   
To save me from tears   
I'll give it to someone special  
  
A crowded room   
Friends with tired eyes   
I'm hiding from you   
And your soul of ice   
My god I thought you were   
Someone to rely on   
Me?   
I guess I was a shoulder to cry on   
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart   
A man under cover but you tore me apart   
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again   
  
Last Christmas   
I gave you my heart   
But the very next day you gave it away   
This year   
To save me from tears   
I'll give it to someone special

~OWARI~

If you read 'When I Don't Remember' you might recognize the necklaces *G* I couldn't help myself but using them in here too. Seemed like a good gift for Ken to give to Aya ne?

Sorry for Aya being so OOC but um well couldn't work around it and believe me I tried!!! I feel sorta bad for Yoji though, he's lonely but I just couldn't let him win this 'cause he wasn't playing fair. Suppose I could have fixed him up with Omi but that would have made this story strange… um okay so stranger then *L*

Well I hope you liked it and that I didn't make anyone cry or anything. Been told that I tend to do that *hangs head in shame and grins* 

****

To all of you from all of me *well that sounded weird* **A Very Merry Christmas!** Ja/Atsureki


End file.
